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Ten Perversions

This is some­thing I wrote in 2007 for a site that is al­ready dead.

I read once that the way to make crazy mon­ey in the in­ter­nets to post lists and write non-­fic­tion about sex.

Here's my at­tempt at bring­ing eight new per­ver­sions to this tired world.

Grou­cho Marx would have hat­ed it, but nowa­days there is al­ways a club that will ac­cept you if you are will­ing to ac­cept that you want to join.

Do you en­joy watch­ing ap­par­ent­ly gay mino­taurs? Have a per­ver­sion about peo­ple with ex­tra mem­ber­s? Head for http://www.boy­tau­ (and no, I will not ex­plain how I knew about that site).

Are you aroused by the thought of step­ping on bugs? Be­lieve you are an an­i­mal trapped in a hu­man body? The idea of alien mind con­trol turns you on? En­joy dil­dos made out of legos? There are places where you will not be con­sid­ered a weirdo (but you are. Oh, yes you are).

  1. Lo­­gosphil­i­a: Sex­u­al arouse­­ment caused by knowl­­edge. This word ac­­tu­al­­ly ex­ist­s, at least as the ti­­tle of a blog. I would ex­­plain more, but lo­­gosphil­i­acs know all about it, and for the rest of us it's an in­­­cred­i­bly bor­ing con­di­­tion.

  2. Taediphil­i­a: The taediphil­i­ac en­joys bore­­dom. How­ev­er, this per­ver­­sion is just sad. Imag­ine that bore­­dom gives you wood. Wood en­ter­­tains you. En­ter­­tain­­ment kills the wood. And your life is a spin cy­­cle of un­­ful­­fil­l­­men­t.

  3. Or­­tophil­i­a: Be­ing ex­c­it­ed by what's right. This rare con­di­­tion caus­es all kinds of strange sym­p­­tom­s. The suf­fer­­er prefers the mis­­­sion­ary po­si­­tion, dis­­­dains oral sex, on­­ly feels sex­u­al at­­trac­­tion to his spouse and ac­­tu­al­­ly means it when he says he would be hap­py to just cud­­­dle.

  4. Uni­­for­­mophil­i­a: Ex­ces­­sive love for things that are reg­u­lar. The rare uni­­for­­mophil­i­ac would love to have sex with twin­s, but he's too busy trim­ming his side­burns just right.

  5. Ni­hilophil­i­a: Sex­u­al per­ver­­sion where you are at­­trac­t­ed to the con­­cept of noth­ing. Ob­vi­ous­­ly mas­­tur­ba­­to­ry at the be­gin­n­ing, the sub­­­ject soon re­al­izes that when he is en­joy­ing him­­self he is ac­­tu­al­­ly there, which kills the buz­z. On a lat­er stage, the ni­hiliphil­i­ac pre­­tends that he is ex­c­it­ed but hid­ing it, when in re­al­i­­ty he ac­­tu­al­­ly is not. Er­­go, since noone is hav­ing fun, he finds that ex­treme­­ly ex­c­it­ing.

  6. Pho­bio­phil­i­a: Ex­ces­­sive en­joy­­ment of one's fears. Noone con­fess­es to this per­ver­­sion, since ad­mit­t­ing it in pub­­lic would be scary, which would cause arousal, which would be em­bar­ras­ing, un­­less the sub­­­ject is al­­so scared of au­di­ences, which would make him en­joy the at­ten­­tion. It ba­si­­cal­­ly means that you would act com­­plete­­ly against your own in­­­cli­­na­­tion­s. All moun­­tain climbers are acro­pho­bic pho­bio­phil­i­ac­s.

  7. Phil­io­phil­i­a: Sex­u­al per­ver­­sion where you try one per­ver­­sion af­ter an­oth­er in vain search of one you ac­­tu­al­­ly en­joy. If that de­scribes you, you are not an ac­­tu­al per­vert. You are a bor­ing per­­son and just try to look in­­ter­est­ing in a self­­-de­struc­­tive and noisy man­n­er.

  8. Al­bu­mis­­tanu­merophil­ia is the love of lists of num­ber­s. And if you have it, you will hate the fact that this ar­ti­­cle ends here.

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